Wednesday, 30 September 2015

Why, If You See A False Widow Spider, You Should Tread On It

I attract some nutters, that's for sure--whether this be homophobes, anti-Farage campaigners, relatives of dead friends I have honoured in my work, disgruntled literary failures, estranged family members with criminal connections, intense Morrissey fans, and people who believe this sceptered isle of ours should be overrun by scrounging migrants, etc.
This week's Mad As A Box Of Frogs Award goes to one lady (I'm assuming it's a lady as most of these barking mad oddities do tend to be females of the dried up, nothing better to do genre) from Berlin who describes herself as a 'bug nerd' who likes to 'spread the love of creepie-crawlies'.

So, from a clutch of folk who resemble bugs to one who loves spiders--including spiders that cause great pain and even death, to one who wants to protect them! And who in their right mind would want to keep one of these things for a pet?

Frau Klinkerhoffer declares that I am doing a great dis-service to false widow spiders--because I have accused one of these little horrors of biting my wife, but do not have the photographic proof to do so. What was I supposed to do--ask the little blighter to say "Cheese!" before nipping her, just to satisfy the rantings of yet another eccentric?

My wife was bitten on 1 September, in the garden. A few days later we headed across the Channel, where her finger became so painful that we took her a French A & E. Blood-tests and X-Rays were taken. The results came back: her system contained false widow spider venom. Because she is small and very light, it was a worse case scenario than had the spider bitten me. Last week, she entered A & E once more, where the tip of her finger had to be amputated. Another few days, the surgeon said, and she might have lost her arm. The hospital has now received dozens of such patients, always the same spider.

So, Frau Klinkerhoffer, what I suggest is this. Take a douche in a tank of your favourite little buddies, and then report back to me that you still love them!

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