Wednesday, 30 September 2015

Why, If You See A False Widow Spider, You Should Tread On It

I attract some nutters, that's for sure--whether this be homophobes, anti-Farage campaigners, relatives of dead friends I have honoured in my work, disgruntled literary failures, estranged family members with criminal connections, intense Morrissey fans, and people who believe this sceptered isle of ours should be overrun by scrounging migrants, etc.
This week's Mad As A Box Of Frogs Award goes to one lady (I'm assuming it's a lady as most of these barking mad oddities do tend to be females of the dried up, nothing better to do genre) from Berlin who describes herself as a 'bug nerd' who likes to 'spread the love of creepie-crawlies'.

So, from a clutch of folk who resemble bugs to one who loves spiders--including spiders that cause great pain and even death, to one who wants to protect them! And who in their right mind would want to keep one of these things for a pet?

Frau Klinkerhoffer declares that I am doing a great dis-service to false widow spiders--because I have accused one of these little horrors of biting my wife, but do not have the photographic proof to do so. What was I supposed to do--ask the little blighter to say "Cheese!" before nipping her, just to satisfy the rantings of yet another eccentric?

My wife was bitten on 1 September, in the garden. A few days later we headed across the Channel, where her finger became so painful that we took her a French A & E. Blood-tests and X-Rays were taken. The results came back: her system contained false widow spider venom. Because she is small and very light, it was a worse case scenario than had the spider bitten me. Last week, she entered A & E once more, where the tip of her finger had to be amputated. Another few days, the surgeon said, and she might have lost her arm. The hospital has now received dozens of such patients, always the same spider.

So, Frau Klinkerhoffer, what I suggest is this. Take a douche in a tank of your favourite little buddies, and then report back to me that you still love them!

Sunday, 27 September 2015

Hugues Vassal Photographe d'Edith Piaf: Vous Répétez Comme Un Oignon Mariné

In other words, Monsieur Vassal, you're starting to get on our tits--and I speak for others besides myself!

Let me explain. Hugues Vassal was one of Piaf's last photographers--and a very fine photographer he was too, striking while the iron was hot, so to speak, during her final years.

I have some of his pictures in the new Piaf Centenary book, which I hasten to add were not cheap to hire, though one of them has never been published before.

However, in recent days the illustrious Monsieur Vessie has been making a bit of a nuisance of himself, buzzing around websites and groups like an elderly wasp with a very nasty sting in its tail. Yesterday, I counted the same phrase--"Are you authorised to use this photograph?"--an astonishing 103 times, indeed after every picture of Piaf on two particular sites. Agreed, some of the pictures were his, but some were not.

This is the INTERNET, Monsieur Vessie! If every copyright owner were to bellyache as you have every time someone posts a picture, there would be NO Facebook--in fact there would be no Internet! With books, of course, it's different, We have to get permission, pay our fees, and acknowledge the photographer. But who is going to waste time running around asking people of they can post this and that? Your phone would never stop ringing and your email service would go into overdrive and explode!

So stop acting like a cad, Monsieur Vessie, and allow Piaf's fans--who are much more important than you and I, who are mere servants of her legacy--to enjoy looking at her. And be grateful that someone appreciates your great work! 

Tuesday, 22 September 2015

In Support Of Austin Armacost In His Fight With Janice Dickinson

I am wholly in support of Austin's outburst the other night, when he called Janice Dickinson a c**t. I know what it's like to be pushed too far by a viper-tongued harridan whose only goal in life is to draw attention to herself at the expense of others. Sometimes they go so far that you end up saying what you shouldn't, and what you wouldn't normally say. The fact that it's a woman of a certain age makes no difference. They dish it out, but they don't like getting a taste of their own medicine. And in the end they finish up despised, and with nothing to show for their existence but the hatred they spew.
I find Janice Dickinson vile. It's been observed that she may be cuckoo and eccentric, but I don't believe this. It's all part of her game. She's a nasty, vituperative, foul-mouthed old wretch who makes a living out of upsetting most of the people she encounters on one reality show after another. If she thinks a young man should not talk to a woman like that, then she should remember that no decent woman should have the vocabulary of a docker on leave, as she does. She is disgusting.
Equally disgusting in my opinion is James Hill. For three weeks he has shared a bed, platonically, with Austin. They have engaged in horseplay, man-tub chats, and have declared such brotherly love as I have rarely seen. And then James goes and stabs him in the back by nominating him! With friends like that, who needs enemies?
I'm surprised that James' "secret" has not been exposed on Big Brother. He certainly would not be as popular with the other housemates if they knew what's been written about him in the press. I liked him at first, but his recent behaviour has proved him to be extremely devious, not just towards Austin but towards Jenna Jameson. I just hope that those two don't leave tonight, and I certainly do not want James The Snake to win. 

Monday, 21 September 2015

The Migrant Boy And His Dog: More Propaganda For Gullible Fools To Fall For

When fleeing war, most people take photos, precious keepsakes or family treasures - Aslan felt compelled to bring his pet dog.
21:35, UK, Sunday 20 September 2015


When Syrian teenager Aslan fled war in Syria, he didn't need to think twice about bringing his beloved pet dog with him.
In footage posted by the UN High Commission for Refugees, the 17-year-old told how he had travelled 500km since leaving Syria's capital Damascus.
He was told he would not be allowed to take little Rose across the Mediterranean but he wouldn't take no for an answer and even made the dog her own passport for the journey.
Eventually, Aslan and his dog made it to Greece.
When asked why he had only a small bag for himself and yet was carrying a large pet carrier with the dog inside, he answered: "I love my dog."
"I need him".
Tens of thousands of migrants have fled conflict in Syria and other Middle East hotspots, resulting in the largest migration Europe has seen since the Second World War. 

Sunday, 20 September 2015

Jackie Collins: The Difference Between A Good Writer And A Crank

Its sad to hear that Our Joanie's sister has died, for here was a tremendously talented writer who relied on her own talent as opposed to attacking her peers in the hope of getting them to retaliate and therefore offer free publicity for their worthless kitty-litter.
I never met Jackie, but I did run into Babs once--at my publisher's office some years ago when she had already started to decompose. I kid you not, there was a whiff in the air which reminded me of my Aunt Amy's two passions: Vim and smelling-salts. As always she was dressed in pink--a short, sleeveless dress under which she wore around twenty underskirts, giving her the appearance of a bucolic crinoline doll. She looked like Nancy Sphinctergritzel without the tattoos, and because she was unable to sit down had to be stood upright in the tiny lift, whilst her assistant had to rush up the stairs and catch her at the other end. When she was finally plonked on to the sofa, her legs shot up in the air, and I recall the person with me observing how hairy her armpits were, until we realised that she was clutching two small dogs.
I've just watched Babs attempting to tear a strip off Jackie on Wogan, and Jackie gently chiding this snooty old crone in her very polite English way that there is plenty of room for her books, and  for Babs' chastity tomes. You see, Jackie did not have to attack her peers--with an endless succession of Blogs, fake reviews, phoney names and invented lawsuits which would have resulted in her being totally ignored by the media--in an attempt to draw attention to herself. She retained her dignity and kept her mouth shut, and allowed her talent to sell her books.

Friday, 4 September 2015

Using A Dead Child As Propaganda For The Migrant Crisis

It's one of the most tragic images we have seen in years. A dead child lying on a beach, where we are told he has been washed up, drowned.
We are also told that his family were migrants, en route for Canada to start a better life.

The world has fallen for the biggest piece of propaganda thus far in the migrants crisis...and UKIP and others are being lambasted for speaking the truth. If you study ALL the video and pictures, you will see that there is much more to this than meets the eye. Much more will also be revealed over the coming weeks.
Let me say too that, as a member of the Labour Party, I have parliamentary friends and acquaintances from ALL the political parties. I am by no means the only one. Many of us do not always agree on our respective policies.
To begin with, this family was not suffering, and neither were they poor. They were not escaping from Syria as they had been living in Turkey for three years, and were not under any threat. It's a bit like the supermarket giving away free packets of cornflakes--someone might not like cornflakes, but as they're free they might as well have a packet. So, out of greed, they tried to augment the flow of the ones who are genuinely in need of help, and in doing so paid the ultimate price.
Watching the scenes in Calais, and latterly in Hungary--and having twice been in the thick of such a scenario--one finds it hard to discern which is genuine, and which is a scrounger out to take advantage of our generous benefits system. Watch the newsreels and you will see  a wealth of designer clothes and gear, and very costly mobile phones--hardly what one would expect from those who claim to be starving.
There are of course the genuine refugees who should be helped. Ideally they could be placed in camps, cared for and fed and, once the "mighty Western powers" have eradicated the reason for them fleeing in the first place, they should be sent back to where they came from knowing that henceforth they will be safe.
As for those who may be proved to be scroungers, they should be left to fend for themselves and take whatever Fate has in store for them by way of their own making.

Thursday, 3 September 2015

Migrant Crisis: Time For The UK To Get Out Of Europe

Call me cynical ~ and chuck a few bricks at me for saying aloud what many are thinking but too gutless to say. It's very sad when a child dies, but many migrants have died during this crisis and I cannot help but think that the images we are seeing of this little boy are being used not to mourn one of many, but as propaganda to shock a caring nation ~ Britain ~ into accepting thousands of unwanted lodgers when we cannot even afford to look after some of our own people.
I've recently become a member of the Labour Party ~ lob a few more bricks ~ and though I support one of the contenders for the leadership, I cannot help but think ~ call me cynical again ~ that they too may be using these same images to gain votes.
In the last election, I supported Nigel Farage ~ so I can now be called a turncoat ~ because I believed in his policies where migration is concerned, and still do.
Turkey, where the little boy was washed up ~ and now I'll be really controversial and question whether or not this picture was actually staged to invoke outrage and pity, not that I do not believe this poor child died ~ is a mostly Muslim country. They do not want these migrants, so they pass them on to someone else who also does not want them. England is the last leg of the journey because the sea gets in the way.
Why, I would like to know, is Britain criticised because the majority of its people does not want to be Europe's mug? If the rest of Europe is so concerned about these people, why don't they club together and get rid of those ~ by whatever means ~ who are causing them to flee their countries in the first place?
The person I am actively supporting wants to allow 10,000 migrants into Britain. Fair enough, but before you can shake a stick there'll be another 10,000 waiting in the shadows, then another, then another. Eventually, the ship that is the UK will become full to overflowing, and it will sink, taking everyone with it.
Nigel Farage may not be everyone's cup of tea, for no other reason than he says what needs to be said, and he is right about one thing ~ we need to get out of Europe and leave them to clear up the mess they have made of Britain.