Whatever you do, don't EVER criticise Justin Bieber, the un-beatified Patron Saint of Brats.
Justin is a tremendous entertainer ~ perhaps the finest this world has ever known. He is Mario Lanza, all four Beatles and Phyllis Diller all rolled into one pretty package.
He is a blazing lodestar of talent.
He is the most beautiful man to have ever walked God's earth ~ God himself has told him this during a vision, and whenever you mention the name Justin Bieber, make sure that you cross yourself.
Men love Justin Bieber so much that they want to change sex and have his children.
Giddy girls want to change sex to look like him.
Justin Bieber's tattoos are the finest in the world--superb inky works of art. His only regret is that he will have to camouflage them when he plays Rudolph Valentino in my film.
Justin Bieber is super-intelligent. He claims that if he ever did want to appear in a movie, that it would be playing Grandma Moses because someone once told him they were twins.
Justin Bieber is a role model, the perfect Christian whose behaviour is impeccable. There are many who believe that he is the Second Coming--because of this, he has the nickname 'Stale Semen'.
Finally, whenever you are faced with a tough decision--how to speak to your peers, how to behave in public, how to show respect to authority and to others ~ just ask yourself, 'What would Justin do in my position?'
And ten years from now, when this precocious little know-it-all has finally done a Jimi Hendrix on account of his excesses, but without leaving behind Jimi's legacy, ask yourself this:
"Wasn't I twit, back then, to fall for all the claptrap?"