Friday, 30 January 2015

Now It's Saint Justin Bieber

Whatever you do, don't EVER criticise Justin Bieber, the un-beatified Patron Saint of Brats.

Justin is a tremendous entertainer ~ perhaps the finest this world has ever known. He is Mario Lanza, all four Beatles and Phyllis Diller  all rolled into one pretty package.

He is a blazing lodestar of talent.
He is the most beautiful man to have ever walked God's earth ~ God himself has told him this during a vision, and whenever you mention the name Justin Bieber, make sure that you cross yourself.

Men love Justin Bieber so much that they want to change sex and have his children.

Giddy girls want to change sex to look like him.
Justin Bieber's tattoos are the finest in the world--superb inky works of art. His only regret is that he will have to camouflage them when he plays Rudolph Valentino in my film.
Justin Bieber is super-intelligent. He claims that if he ever did want to appear in a movie, that it would be playing Grandma Moses because someone once told him they were twins.
Justin Bieber is a role model, the perfect Christian whose behaviour is impeccable. There are many who believe that he is the Second Coming--because of this, he has the nickname 'Stale Semen'.
Finally, whenever you are faced with a tough decision--how to speak to your peers, how to behave in public, how to show respect to authority and to others ~ just ask yourself, 'What would Justin do in my position?'
And ten years from now, when this precocious little know-it-all has finally done a Jimi Hendrix on account of his excesses, but without leaving behind Jimi's legacy, ask yourself this:
"Wasn't I twit, back then, to fall for all the claptrap?"

  1. Mandy God will take care of him in time.
  2. why don't you learn not to judge until ur hands are completely clean. Gods watching. Just saying.

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

RIP Anne Kirkbride ~ But Let's Not Go Over The Top!

RIP Anne Kirkbride. She was a 'Coronation Street' legend and a household name, of this there's no doubt, and it's an insurmountable tragedy that she's gone at such a young age. But please let us not get carried away by calling her 'one of Britain's greatest actresses'. Much loved, yes. Great, no. She played the same part for over 40 years, so far as I know she never played any other, and so far as I know she never appeared on stage. She was not Judi Dench or Peggy Ashcroft. She was a soap star. Not that it makes her death any easier to bear.
Almost all of the older actors and actresses in our soaps—and I figure the same applies to America—have been stuck in the same role for the entirety of their careers. Good they may be, convincing they certainly are, but they are never versatile because all they are playing are extensions of themselves: Bill Roach, Eileen Derbyshire, Michael LeVell, Adam Woodyatt et all have never been given the opportunity to expand whatever talents they may or may not have. Anyone could have been plucked from a queue of extras to play their parts, and done so with equal conviction. And how many of these soap stars have left to attempt other ventures, only to find that they are incapable of being not stuck in a rut and return to their soap? How many times do you see these people appearing on quiz and chat-shows, billed under their own name—but without exception with the name of their soap character in brackets next to this, because they are known only for playing that one part?
Barbara Windsor, the quintessential English all-round legend, will be primarily remembered for ‘Eastenders’ when she leaves us, and not for the myriad of other things she has done. So, let us by all means mourn ‘Dierdre’, but for what she was—a beloved character in a television soap, and not Manchester’s answer to Bette Davis. Anne Kirkbride herself would not have wanted this.

Monday, 19 January 2015

My Not So Wonderful Stepmother

I've just been reminded that I should 'honour' my stepmother today on the thirteenth anniversary of her death. Well, to be honoured one has to earn it, and this lady certainly does not fit into the category of honour.
My lasting memory of her (there's a LOT more in the book) is this very fat woman, a bag of nerves who looked like she was emulating Rob Wilton much of the time, was when she told me after I had taken flower's to my mother's grave, 'I'm your mother now!'. To which I responded, in a mild but uncaring manner, 'Like fuck you are!'
My stepmother knitted a lot, and had eyes which could take in a whole room full of people with a single glance. Frank, my beloved father-in-law (he's the one with the missing tooth) said that she had missed her vocation, and that in a previous life she could be found sitting next to the guillotine. She said of my beloved mother-in-law, pictured here next to Frank, "She'll end up in the nut-house.' Both she and Mary succumbed to Alzheimer's.
Betty was a good mother to her six children, of this there is no doubting. She just did not take to me--again, it's in the book. When I married in 1972, she, OB and my step-siblings collectively gave us six months at the most. It's been 42 years, whereas the private lives of some of those who mocked back then have left much to be desired, and that's putting it mildly.
OB--that's the grinning entity on the left, proved a good husband even while cheating on her, and a good father. His new family were too big to knock around. They knew little or nothing of his previous life as a thug, child-beater, rapist, serial cheat, thief, bankrupt, racist, homophobe, anti-Semite and general all round bad lot. They knew nothing about his secret family and other offspring, or that his first wife--mother--had committed suicide to get away from him. Again, it's all in the book.
Life with him was amongst other things like having an over-surfeit of phlegm, and now I've got it all off my chest.



Sunday, 18 January 2015


Rudolph Valentino Screenplay

This is now completed, and has been copyrighted and registered, and is being represented exclusively by Ink Tip. Enquiries may be made to and they are on Twitter at @Official_InkTip.

The screenplay is based on the book, and there has already been some interest in a movie featuring Valentino as he really was, a gay and proud man, unashamed of his sexuality but nevertheless wary of the truth emerging and ruining his career. Two companies already have the script, and three actors--two Italians and a Venezuelan--are also interested in playing Valentino as a gay man. Of course, it will always be a case of the more the merrier.
Please address all enquires to Here is the registered Logline.

The story of Rudolph Valentino, his rise from abusive childhood to the pinnacle of Hollywood stardom to his tragic early death, between which he engages in two disastrous marriages with lesbians, loves only men, lands up in jail on a bigamy charge and, though proud of his sexuality is terrified of being regarded as a non-manly man, in an age when gay men were perceived as degenerates by the general public.

Monday, 12 January 2015

Je Suis Charlie

I feel very uneasy about this. What happened last week in the city of my birth was dreadful. But in my opinion, when people play with matches they get their fingers burned. I saw most of the people who worked at Charlie Hebdo--I didn't know any of them, but some of them were regulars at our local, just down the road from their offices.
A few years ago I was offered a contract to publish 'Maurice Chevalier' in France, but was told by the publisher that I would have to remove certain comments about his private life. When I objected, the editor told me, 'We don't have the same freedom of speech here as you do in England. We don't like offending people.'
One year ago there was a 'comedy' sketch on television which showed Jesus on the Cross, and as a well-known comedian passed by, he asked Jesus if he wouldn't mind offering him hand-relief. I was so appalled that I called the station and was told, 'Chill out--we don't take religion that seriously here.'
Other religions are different, and I respect them for this. Not only do they have a religion, they have a culture, and they take their faith very seriously. Those who carried out the atrocities in Paris last week committed an unpardonable act, but so did the ones making fun of their spiritual leader by continuing to draw offensive cartoons which had already seen them requiring police protection after their offices had been firebombed. The wronged party should have sued the magazine, and bugger so-called freedom of speech and have it shut down. Now, because of their defiance, twenty people are dead, and it has cost France--a country whose economy is struggling the same as everyone else's--millions of euros in a police hunt. Then it was followed by a similarly expensive march which, though profoundly sincere so far as the 2 million were concerned, was led by a bunch of hypocrites, some of whom inflamed the cultural problem in the first place by sticking their noses where they didn't belong.
Now, Charlie Hebdo is planning on publishing a million copies of their magazine this week, and no one dares criticise them for this. Do they honestly think that this is not going to inflame an already inflammatory situation even more? Do they and the powers that be have any sense at all?  
And before the feminists and other educationally challenged bigots begin drawing their spears, because their only way in life is to persistently mistake shit for pudding, I do NOT support terrorism, or rape (the Ched Evans hatchet debate rages on) or any form of violence. I do however support common sense. If I was beaten up by skinheads in a darkened alley, I would make sure that I never walked down that alley again.

Monday, 5 January 2015

Ched Evans: Read The Facts & Stop The Hounding


This is harassment at its most profound. Not content with having the horrendously squawky-voiced Jessica Ennis throwing a pout and wanting her name removed from the stadium stand, we now have them queuing up to hound this young man. MPs, a police chief, and now the great man himself, Ed Milliband, who if he was proud of his race should realise what persecution is all about. These people don't care whether he is guilty or not, and they don't give a fig for family values. A general election is coming up, and they're wanting to score points to ensure that they get in.
Have none of these people read any of the official documents, the statements and flimsy evidence, or are they just like sheep? The King said shit, so they all shat!
I was doing broadcasts in London when they hounded Justin Fashanu. He begged them to stop, and they kept on hounding. In the end he freed himself from these bigots by killing himself. I'm certain that these people are not going to be satisfied until Ched has done the same--then they'll all start wailing their crocodile tears of pity.
Most of the ones who are making his life a misery are feminist harridans--you only have to see their pictures to realise that no man would ever touch them in a million years, therefore they hate all men. There are in my opinion few creatures more loathsome than feminists. Without exception, the ones that I've come across--thankfully not in the Biblical sense--are bag-of-spanners ugly with mouths like barn-doors. They go to their graves unmissed and unloved, for the better part, because they have spent the better part of their lives drawing attention to themselves by hating others. They would have been better off if their fathers had put the product of their passion to better use by wiping it on the curtains.
For my part, I hope that Ched wins his appeal, and wipes the floor with the lot of them.