Monday, 29 September 2014

Good News: Changes In Copyright Laws


Good news for writers of spoofs. As of today we have more freedom over who or what we might or might not parody. One person complained to the BBC once too often, and ended up with eggy chops!
Parody and spoofs is what makes British humour the best in the world. Think Tony Hancock, George Formby, the Spitting Image and Not The Nine O'Clock News teams. 
Oh, and Lennie, Winnie and Maggie. It means there's no more embargos on photographs and that I can use more or less what I like, though I have done the honourable thing and moved your sour mushes and big ears from Nancy's saga.
So, what's next in the offing? I would suggest that the humourless amongst you dig out a few old recordings of Derek & Clive, aka Peter Cook & Dudley Moore. That one with the movie star and the lobsters creases me. As for Nancy, she's back in her tomb for the time being. I have a novel out in three weeks, my autobiography, and a major biography for the Spring which will I assume raise more eyebrows than all the others added together. But, that's what biography writing is all about. No use "Roganing" the same subject for donkeys' years. The punters get bored!

Thursday, 25 September 2014

"Our Annie's Funeral"

A monologue wherein the best-selling biographer David Bret recalls his grandmother’s funeral on 4 February 1972, as seen through the eyes of his much-loved Aunty Kate, who had a peculiar way of looking at the world. It was one of the saddest days of Bret's life, yet upon reflection and when recalled by Kate, so unintentionally hilarious. Also featured is a short essay on Bret's grandmother from his forthcoming autobiography, "My Own Story: The Uncensored Memoirs of the Celebrity Biographer".
Published 25 September 2014.

Sunday, 21 September 2014

David Bret: My Own Story

The picture section has now gone off to be polished up, as they say. The publication date is still January 2015, but this depends on what happens with the next book, published in a few weeks time. So far, I have an open day, whatever that's going to involve,  and a few phone-ins here and there.
There's also a new biography on the stocks for some time next year, and I'm taking a very big risk with that one because it's perhaps the most controversial so far. But as they say, if you don't try, you'll never know what might have happened!  

Saturday, 20 September 2014

Alex Salmond: The Charlie Drake Of Haggis Land

Salmond versus Darling, aka The Buffoon versus The Professor from Thunderbirds.
The man with the personality of chip-fat who has cost the British taxpayer more than Princess Nelly Cambridge will spend on her wardrobe for the whole of this year, which is going some.
He knew from the start that Scotland would never gain independence from the rest of us. That's the problem with egotists--they never see beyond the end of their noses. And what a gentleman he turns out to be. Boasts about this and that, slaps our  Queen in the face with a kipper, gets knocked off his podium, and like the great man he is, throws in the towel and runs bleating into the Highlands.
The former Scottish leader who fancied becoming King Bucolic is now the defamed King Rat who's deserted the ship he single-handedly deserted. This chump has not just Captain Cooked up his own country, he's thrown all of us into disarray.
It's a good job we're not back in the days of that other Good Queen Bess, otherwise they would have sent him to Fotheringay by now while they sharpened the axe. It's treason, without any doubt. Like I observed yesterday, he should at least be made to sit through a Krankie's pantomime or be made to French-kiss Andy Murray and/or his mother. 
We're in a recession, or getting out of it, depending on which other governmental buffoon you choose to believe. Our hospitals are struggling, our poor are struggling more, and they have wasted millions on a campaign which was always going to be a hiding for nothing.  
What a knob!

Friday, 12 September 2014

Rotherham Awaits

I grew up in a small village near here, but whereas the village was a jewel, the town itself was never less than a shit-hole in my opinion, second only to Blackpool.

Rotherham was SUCH a prejudiced place. O.B., my father, was typical of how prejudiced and bigoted one person could be. You were accepted so long as you were anti-Semitic, racist, homophobic, and an atheist. If you beat up your wife or partner, you were right up his street.

Tomorrow, the English Defence League hits Rotherham in the wake of the child abuse scandal where 1,400 minors are claimed to have been abused by members of the Pakistani community. I fear a riot, and a great deal of damage being inflicted all in the name of prejudice. 

There has been a great deal of abuse, this I believe. I also believe that Sean Wright should be fired, as do the two fishwives who launched a verbal and vulgar attack on him yesterday as the Select Committee meeting in London. I do not believe for one minute, though, that there were as many as 1,400 attacks--though if there had been just one, it would be one too many and justice must of course prevail. 

As always with such cases, there is always exaggeration--people jumping on to the bandwagon in the hope of making a bob or two while their stories get lost in the crowd of genuine victims of these attacks. I've been studying various sites and some of these comments are just not nice. King Herod elected to get rid of all the first-born to ensure that he got the right one in the end, and still failed. What I see, while justice does need to be dispensed, is a heck of a lot of mother's milk racism, in that some of these very nasty--and clearly uneducated--detractors are tarring all Pakistani men with the same brush.

Would the people of Rotherham and its neighbouring countryside be happy with the outside world thinking that they all breed ferrets, wear flat-caps and smoke Woodbines, and that they are all racists, bigots and homophobes who do not know how to speak properly and who send their children up chimneys? We've moved away from all of that.

The "big-wigs" of the police and Rotherham Council should be shown no mercy, and neither should those who committed these heinous crimes. But don't persecute an entire race of people for what is a minority of criminals. They are just as good as you are. 

Oscar Pistorius

I love this boy, and I don't care what anyone else says or thinks. Mrs. Twat and her cronies will doubtless bombard me with hate-mail, as they do now. To them I say, there are items on sale in sex-shops with which you can self-copulate.
Oscar was one of the many people who supported me through a recent ordeal, and regarding which two official heads have already rolled. 
It's a dreadful tragedy, and a beautiful young woman lost her life. I said from the very start that I would support him, as I would any friend, and that I would respect whatever, if any, judgement was passed. Reeva died, and Oscar has been to the gates of hell and back. He's extremely vulnerable, and it's so easy for people to judge, even when they have absolutely no idea what happened because they were not there. 
The Mrs. Twats of this world all have something to hide, but it's so easy to hate from behind a curtain of anonymity. Effectively, they only contribute to the world they make miserable for others when they are no longer in it.
As for Oscar, the ones who care will keep on supporting him. Our shoulders are broad, much broader than those of cowardly detractors who dare not even lend a name to their vitriol.

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

David Bret: Autobiography


The Ts have been dotted and the Is have been crossed. It's had its second legal read. The ones I loved are all here, as are the ones I loathed, The scandals, the love affairs, the scrapes I got into, and out of. I've been holding back for half a century, but not any more. If you liked me, this will be an interesting read. If you didn't--or more's the case, if I didn't like you or if you hurt me and my loved ones--now's the time to hide under the bed, behind the chamber-pot. Some names have been changed for legal purposes, unless of case you're dead!  

David Bret: My Own Story

The Uncensored Memoirs Of The Celebrity Biographer

Foreword ~ Adoption ~ Amy ~ Aunties of the paternal kind ~ Axel & Damia ~ Barnaby ~ Berck-sur-Mer ~ Blackpool ~ Brit Girls of the Sixties ~ Churches & Ben ~ Dietrich ~ Dorothy Squires ~ Dogs, Cats & Doris Day ~ Edna I ~ Edna II ~ Elizabeth Taylor ~ Faith ~ Fernand Lumbroso ~ Footballers & Lovers ~ Garbo ~ Gemini ~ George Formby & his leading ladies ~ Gracie Fields ~ Grange Farm ~ Grandmother ~ Gus ~ Guyarmathy ~ Hawking ~ Homophobes ~ In Ted Robledo’s Bed ~ Jack ~ Jacqueline Danno ~ Joan Regan & Peggy Lee ~ Joey Stefano ~ John Dynham of Nutwell ~ Journalists ~ Manouche ~ Mastturbation ~ Milletts ~ Misery at the Mason’s Arms ~ Mother ~ Mother-in-law ~ Nancy Sphinctergritzel ~ Nudists ~ O.B. ~ Paris ~ Pauline ~ Peter Sutcliffe ~ Philip S ~ Portugal and the fado ~ Racists ~ Retribution ~ Richard III ~ Roger Normand ~ Roma Robbers ~ Russians ~ Sacha Distel & Charles Trenet ~Sapritch ~ School ~Sexuality ~ Siblings ~ Singing Star ~ Stepmother ~ Stuttgart & Gunther ~ Teeth ~ That Smiths singer ~ Wath-on-Dearne ~ Wedding ~ Work Study Officer ~ Wrongful arrest ~ York Street ~ Zeffirelli & Callas

January 2015 380pp 

Monday, 8 September 2014

Pastor Robbie Garraty: Homophobic Pariah

Even the name of this living, breathing turd sounds like a gay porn star.
In his latest rant for Brainerd--or should this be Braindead?--Baptist Church, this disease claims that God would want gay people to be killed. And of course he quotes the Bible's "against" verses while ignoring those which are clearly "for". Jesus said we should love all men--even this flabby-gutted piece of crud.
If Father Braindead's statement is not inciting violence in an already over-violent country, I don't know what is. There is no doubting that he and his cabbage-breath supporters are clearly a whole tray of sandwiches short of a picnic, and I wouldn't doubt that each and every one of them has some nasty skeleton lurking in their closet--closet being the operative word.
It's sad that his father wasn't a seer--this way he would have predicted what his son would have turned out like, and wiped it on the curtains. 
If I've said it once, I've said it a million times. The only good homophobe is a dead one.  
I do however have a suggestion, should he wish to find out if The Lord is one his side. Maroon him in the middle of the ocean and see if he can walk back home.

Thursday, 4 September 2014

Joan Rivers: What A Legend!

God has taken another legend. This lady sent me a message of support during a time of crisis. We had one phrase in common: the only good homophobe is a dead one. Let's hope that she sits at the Pearly Gates and kicks them all down to hell as they arrive, while making the angels laugh.
We adored you, Joanie, and always will. RIP, darling.

New Book

To be published on 20 October 2014
There will be a two-hour international radio phone-in
(heavily vetted to keep loonies at bay!)
Further details will be announced the day before publication.