Thursday, 28 August 2014

The Polish Garbo & The New Book

The deal has now been agreed to publish "Garbo" in Poland, my fourth release in this country. Incredibly, next April it will be 25 years since she died. We met once, and it was a privileged occasion.

The other major release will be published on time--20th October--in America, and in Britain and Europe one week later. The subject is very much under wraps until mere days ahead of the event, as there is a current investigation taking place regarding one of my protagonists in relation to this book. This person has been questioned and action taken. One would think that people would learn and appreciate the fact that there are two sides to every story.

There's also a sixth "Nancy Sphinctergritzel" book due out, a spoof story which will lift the lid on her family life and introduce readers to a few more of the characters that wafted in and out of her very long, undignified life. Will this one be as irreverent as the others? You'll have to wait and see!

Saturday, 23 August 2014

On The Subject Of Wath-on-Dearne

One of the houses where I lived--that's my room on the left, with the windows surrounded by ivy. You could climb out of it back then and in to the roof of the mistle.
I've written my story, and am still a little apprehensive about having it published as I know it's going to open a massive can of worlds. It's been legally read, so there should be no problem with litigation. Hilariously, distant family members who I thought must have been dead by now have come crawling out of the woodwork. I think that they think there may be a few bob in compensation for them if they take legal action against me. The problem is they are lacking in two things mainly--money, and brains. You don't go rushing to a lawyer who deals with divorce and driving claims if you're hoping to sue someone for alleged breach of copyright!
My true family were those on my mother's side, and those on my abusive father's side. The others--step-relatives who lumbered along when O.B. remarried, are unimportant. They were then, and they are now. They're not in the book other than en-passant. O.B is--a more vile man never walked this earth. My stepmother is, and I would say not in a good light. If she were still trailing her 300+ pound carcass around today, she wouldn't have a good word to say for me. And no one can stop the book because these people are dead--and in Britain you cannot libel the dead, no matter how many times folk zip back and forth between their lawyers. 
Recently some of these people raised their voices over dear old Nancy Sphinctergritzel, whose death anniversary is today. A few pictures of them popped up in one of the books, and may I say entirely by accident. We found this big box of pictures in the loft, all of them very old--some dated 1900! I just dipped in and used them. Had I known they were "family" members, I would have cast them into the flames. As much as I loathed my father and stepmother, I very much doubt that their pictures will wind their way into my own book. 
Anyhow, I removed the pictures from the Nancy book, and I also removed myself from the group that I was on, as follows in the heavily edited little "dicte" that I made! 

[[ While we're on the subject of nostalgia. I grew up in this little place called Wath-on-Dearne, which as a kid I found to be a vile place because of an abusive father and the archetypal wicked stepmother. Then I moved away, exorcised my demons, and I've just committed it to paper. But as a member of the group there, though there were some truly wonderful people, some of whom are good friends, some of the demons came back, therefore I headed for the hills. I rather think my "farewell speech" may have been scuppered, so I will include it here. Though I never speak about my personal life (but I am in the book) I feel that I need to add a little comment about people living in glass houses! I haven't included the picture of my step-sister because children may be looking and I don't want any pre-pubescent heart-attacks!
So, my apology post was removed? I will not be dictated to by the Ushers. When Jeanne and I married we had to have police protection after threats and very nasty communications from these people—it will all be in my book. They denounced my wife as thin and ugly. I think by studying the enclosed picture that this was a classic case of a very obese kettle calling the pot back. We were given six months. And yet these people have led such achieving lives. How many husbands and men and broken relationships, dear step-sisters—**********, etc? And those very “proper” stepbrothers, two of whom have done Her Majesty's Pleasure for ************. I think that even with the Nancy Sphinctergritzel stories we can raise our heads over that lot. And so it’s goodbye from me.]]

Friday, 22 August 2014

Dear Old Christopher Riordan, Joey & Me!

I guess you could say that I posted this one "by public demand". I fall out with a bunch of old biddies who love the dead, and Old Baldy Bonce bounces back out of the woodwork. Don't moan, Chris. Like I always say, I never start anything unless you do--and you just won't let those sleeping dogs lie, will you? And no matter how many times you ask, I'm still not sending you that picture of Joey's cock!

Bless him, the old codger in the hat who (he claims) was a household name in the Presley, Dean and Liz Taylor households is still harping on about me, though not in a vituperative way. As they say, it's better to be talked about than ignored. And we're all on the same side.

There was a little to-do a while ago when I posted the above picture given to me by Joey Stefano. There are two versions--the one above, and another with Joey in all his glory, so to speak. Mr Riordan asked me to send him a copy of the other one and I duly obliged. Then we fell out over some trifle. I don't bear grudges against him because he does genuinely seem like a nice person, though perhaps a little too anecdotal to be taken too seriously. But, he's never bitter when imparting his knowledge.

Tonight he's telling some old biddy to stand her ground and stay calm, and that it all comes to the fore before long. Does this mean that she wants the full picture of Joey, too, the cheeky little so-and-so? Mr R also says that I claim he doesn't look as good as he did fifty-four years ago...which he says is fine because he would never want to look good for me. None of us do, love, and I'm not on the lookout for a toy-boy just now! But I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about an old twit who realistically would never be fit to lick your boots, and who is so thick that he has great difficulty in spelling his own name.

An example. Someone sent him a postcard captioned, "Denbigh: The Square". To which he asked which town was which another twit replied, "Weymouth". To which he replied thank-you. Earlier, someone posted a picture of Rudolph Valentino and someone asked him who this was. He actually replied! You could not make it up. 

Thursday, 21 August 2014

Leonard Daykin, Margaret Gill, Winifred Brownlow, James Sanderson & Nancy Sphinctergritzel

So, "members of my wife's family" have kicked up a fuss about some of the photographs in "Rudolph Valentino's Moose: The Nancy Sphinctergritzel Story".

If she was alive, I'm sure Nancy would be shocked. To be honest, I had no idea who these people were. The pictures were so old, I assumed everyone would be dead. They were found in various archives, and I can only imagine with their reaction, what the reaction will be when I publish my own story, which is rather heavy on the abusive father and wicked stepmother front.

Anyhow, I hearby apologise to LEONARD DAYKIN for using his picture unintentionally, as a portrait of Nancy when she appeared in a Mary Pickord film in 1920.

I hearby apologise to JAMES SANDERSON for using his picture unintentionally as one of Nancy's neglected children, who turned up at her funeral just to make sure that she was dead.

I hearby apologise to MARGARET GILL for using her picture unintentionally as 2-year-old Lord Cecil Wilde, pictured in 1851. I would however like to point out that Cecil was not bisexual, he was entirely gay and yes, by having sex with men under the age of 21 he was committing a criminal act, but as he's been dead for almost seventy years I doubt if anyone care any more.

I hearby apologise to WINIFRED BROWNLOW, who if she is not actually dead must be very, very old (that picture is at least sixty years old) and for using her picture unintentionally as Molly, Nancy's mother who had a child with a Red Indian chief and subsequently named it Two-Skunks-Fucking-On-A-Log.

Needless to say, my own story--which it to be published in December--will contain more details about these people.

And here is my reply to their solicitor, for anyone who may be interested:

Letter To *****
Dear ****
Ref: *****
I thank you for your correspondence of 20 August 2014 with reference to your clients Leonard Daykin and Others.
I believe that I can make out the gist of your correspondence despite the many spelling errors. I also thank you for taking the time to read my "Nancy Sphinctergritzel" books. Indeed, your correspondence could not have arrived at a better time. You will have observed that Nancy died on 23 August--this weekend there is a big promotion regarding this.
I will begin by stating that I had no idea who any of the people were in the photographs contained within the books, other than my mother-in-law, father-in-law and his mother (Nancy) who are all deceased. As any lawyer would know, in Britain one cannot libel the dead.
These photographs were found in my mother-in-law's and other family archives, including my own from France. The ones you refer to were bequeathed to her daughter, my wife--this is captioned on the pictures. They are therefore her property, and we are free to do with them as we so wish. On saying this, each book and its promotion bears the following legal disclaimer:
Author’s Note

This is a work of fiction.
Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to persons living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

Naturally I will remove the pictures detailed in your letter. This cannot however be "forthwith"--e-books can be amended within a matter of days, but print books take up to eight weeks. I will not be offering any public apology to your clients as per the disclaimer, as I did not know the identies of these people. Some of the pictures in the "Nancy" books are up to a hundred years old. Regarding your contacting all the sales outlets--good luck with that one, as "Valentino's Moose" is published as far afield as Russia and Japan.
Nancy is an unpleasant character. That is the nature of these stories. They are promoted as spoofs. Regarding your claim that they fall under the Obscene Publications Act, I would also wish you luck with that one. The following notice appears on each one:
"WARNING: This story contains adult material of a sexual nature."
Have you not seen any adult books advertised on Amazon? I'm afraid there are rather a lot, far more adult than mine. I feel you need to lighten up!
My books are not defamatory, because the characters are all fictitious--again, I ask you to read the disclaimer. Neither are they libellous: not one of your clients' names are mentioned because when I wrote the books, I had no idea who these people were. Therefore they are not a breach of your clients' privacy. I will not be removing them from the market, but I will remove the pictures you speak of.
Regarding an apology. If this is what your clients want, then I will offer an apology on my Blog, which reaches a very large worldwide audience. This will of course name your clients and possibly cause them considerably more embarrassment than they claim they have encountered thus far. 
David Bret.

Friday, 8 August 2014

Dominic Caruso: Rudolph Valentino's Dilly Boy Or Deluded Buffoon?

Here's a picture of me taken last week, displaying my big gay helmet. Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Whenever you mention the names "Morrissey" or "Valentino", for every nice and decent person that comes a long, there are two pitiable cranks. The ones who believe that their icons have or would have had eyes for them alone. If they don't like white people, they will swear blind that Mozza and Rudy were black.
The latest clown to hit the circus tent is Dominic Caruso, an ageing rouĂ© who went to school with Mrs Malaprop. He's well into his seventies, but in a Dorian Gray meets Fedora exercise he posts pictures of himself only as he looked forty years ago.  Like myself he had an infamous father--you'll have to look that one up as I'm not going to mention this here.
This man is OBSESSED with Valentino, and when I say obsessed I'm assuming wrist-action obsessed. Tonight, he messages me to inform me that I'm a good writer and intelligent--I guess this must be true, otherwise sales wouldn't be well into seven figures, and I'd be flogging my wares from a shed in Oshkosh--and adds that I would be something special if I weren't ashamed of being Gay.
He spells it with a capital letter, by the way!
Mr Caruso--or may I call you Enrico?--what ARE you trying to say? I am NOT ashamed of anything, my dear (a favourite endearment of yours). I am what I am. But if you're trying to get into my knickers, Dom-Dom, then you're going to have to try harder than that!

Sunday, 3 August 2014

David Bret: Autobiography

Well, it's gone through the first legal read and a few names have been changed, and the script whittled down to 75,000 words.The publication date was to be December 2014, but in this business things rarely go according to plan! I write unsparingly--I've loved and loathed with equal passion, and left absolutely nothing out. Because of the way it's edited, no one can now take action against me. 

The "other book" scheduled to be released on 23 August, has been moved forwards so as not to clash with another project. It will now be published on 20 October, and my lips are absolutely sealed. The title and what it's about will be made known on 18 October.