Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Lee Rigby

I have just four words to say regarding the monsters who killed this innocent young man.


Tuesday, 25 February 2014

Oscar Pistorius: Don't Condemn Him Until You Learn The Truth

I've known him for a few years now, and until I decide otherwise I will keep on knowing him. South Africa is such a corrupt country--no one was more dodgy than Mandela, and when he died he was treated like some kind of Second Saviour. People conveniently forgot about the cruelty of his regime--all those incidents with the tyres. None of us were there that day, with Oscar, and none of us know what happened. Much of what we read in the press may or may not be contrived--and who in their right mind truly believes anything they read in The Sun or The Star, written by hacks who wouldn't be able to lie straight in bed. Look how long they've been harping on about the missing child thing, publishing "exciting new stories" for no other reason than they have no one's lives to ruin on that particular day. When these stories start appearing on real newspapers such as The Times or Telegraph, that's when they may have credence, and not until. Antonella Lazzeri, the one who stitched me up, will always be Simone Berteaut rather than Simone de Beauvoir.
So, Oscar, while they're all sticking their knives into you, until fate decides otherwise--which I very much doubt--I'm on your side!

Monday, 24 February 2014

Ukraine:Britain Neglecting It's Own Once More

When is this country going to stop bailing out every self-inflicted charity case, and start helping its own?
Ukraine may deserve some pity, but it--its politicians headed by the ousted leader, and the woman who looks like Jean Arthur in A Foreign Affair--has been the instrument of its own misfortune. It's bad enough America wanting to add it's two-penneth--the mighty Obama threatening to the send in the troups, which means that Britain's bum-lickers will lick as hard as he asks them to--without Britain interfering in something that's none of our business.
We've just had one half of the country devastated by floods, made worse by the government cuts. We have people forced out of their homes because of the bedroom tax. Rents and council taxes are rising, as are food prices, while salaries remain the same. Councils are forced into making ridiculous cuts, which means that some of us don't get an iota of the services we are paying for. Next month, Osborne will sting us as he always does with the Budget.
And now they're wanting to give OUR money to a country which, like Afghanistan and Iraq, is never going to change no matter what any outsiders do. 
My opinion is that if they want to keep on blowing themselves and their cities to bits, let them. We're never going to stop them. Just keep us out of it, otherwise we're going to end up with another situation where OUR boys and girls are going to be making the ultimate sacrifice, for naff all, while the politicians (most or our government are millionaires who have never wanted for anything)  who make these decisions are sitting all warm and snug at home, out of harm's way.

Friday, 21 February 2014

Betty Mars: 25 Years Passes So Quickly

It's twenty-five years since this beautiful, fragile lady left us. Jeanne and I remember her with love, with tears, with affection, but above all with immense gratitude for all that she did for us. She is one of those rare people that I think of every day of my life. It should never have happened, but there's nothing we can do now but remember her with affection. The pedestal I placed her upon when she entered our lives 42 years ago is as strong now as it was back then. Bye-Bye, Blue Angel. Bisous.

Thursday, 20 February 2014

Cyclops & The Hermaphrodite: A Nancy Spinctergritzel Story

Here's the new Nancy.
Personally I think she looks lovely, hiding behind her infamous sidekick, Hal Pickford (Harold Poksdokta 1906-2011).
They say the good die young, which probably explains why these two rather nasty women lived to be well past their centenary.
There will be two more Nancy stories later in the year!

In the latest episode of the saga of the world's most infamous lush we explore one of the most reviled homophobic partnerships in Hollywood history. Nancy Sphinctergritzel (1904-2010) and Hal Pickford (1906-2011). Cross-dresser Hal, tipping the scales at 400 pounds. Nancy: one-eyed, one leg shorter than the other, tattooed, multi-pierced, the quintessential example of Machiavellian insanity. Both were fanatics of Rudolph Valentino. Nancy spent 68 years writing the Valentino book which her victims destroyed. Hal just bullied. Tinsel Town had Bette and Joan, Hedda and Louella, Popeye and Bluto—the ones who were respected. In the end the victims won, and Nancy and Hal’s deaths remain among the great comedy moments of all time! AUTHOR’S NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Resemblance to persons living or dead or to locales is entirely coincidental. WARNING: this story contains adult material of a sexual nature.

Monday, 17 February 2014

Frank Wappatt: RIP

A truly remarkable gentleman passed away this morning, on his 84th birthday. Frank Wappat was one of this country's most eminent radio presenters. Here we are in July 1995, when I was given Semi-Freedom of Rochdale. Crippled with migraine, though it doesn't show. The event, celebrating my biography of "local lass" Gracie Fields, was hosted by the Mayor and Richard Whiteley, and filmed and broadcast on the television. Frank presented the radio documentary. The location was the beautiful Town Hall, and they had me up on the balcony, well aware of my horror of heights. Other local dignitaries attended. It was my second Semi-Freedom: the first had been in Enghien, France, in 1991.
Frank was an amazing character--what he did not know about our kind of music wasn't worth knowing. We also had a mutual friend in Dorothy Squires. Both of us appeared on his shows many times. Frank has been unwell for some time. Our love and condolences go out to his lovely wife. His cheerful banter will be missed.

Sunday, 16 February 2014

Rain, Rain, Go Away~And Take The Witnesses With You!

I'm thinking of buying a pair of fins to get me to the shops and back in this accursed weather. Yet no matter how much it rains, we still get those darned Jehovah's Witness banging on the door and spouting their tosh! Maybe they don't need fins--they walk on top of the foot-deep puddles? And why do they always have to dress like dirty old men, or old biddies who've kept their clothes in mothballs for fifty years? I always think of that episode in "Popeye" when someone presses the doorbell, and a big boxing glove springs out and clocks them one! Alternatively of that scene in "Buckleroos" where two cute chaps turn up the door in Utah or some other Mormon state and tell Dean Phoenix they're here to save his soul and he replies, "It ain't lost!" before inviting them in and giving them the seeing to of their lives!
Not that I would want to do that with the creature who came to my door this morning with a face so bitter, she would have made an aperitif jealous!

Thursday, 13 February 2014

Dave Lee Travis Cleared: Yet Another Innocent Man Hounded

This makes two in one week: innocent men hounded by women hopping on to the band-waggon and hoping to bring a good man down. Other clearances will follow. I again call to all celebrities who have been hounded by these nasty women, in historic cases, to join forces and not to just name and shame these women, as I will the ones who have hounded me, but to make them pay for the needless misery they have inflicted. It's become way two easy for any woman with a grudge to step forwards and accuse any one of us of this or that, without any proof whatsoever, and at the end of the day these creatures get off Scot-free for the misery they have caused. We have the names, and we have the money. Let's do it! In fact, you don't even need the money. One little name-drop in the right place is all that is required! I have already set the ball rolling, and I know others who have followed suit. We do not HATE women, just a certain kind of woman!

Dave Lee Travis Not Guilty On 12 Charges

Former Radio 1 DJ Dave Lee Travis has been found not guilty of 12 charges of indecent assault.
However the jury failed to return verdicts on one charge of indecent assault and one of sexual assault.
Prosecutors must now decide whether to pursue a retrial on those two charges.
Travis showed no emotion when the verdicts were read out at London's Southwark Crown Court.
Outside court he said: "I’m not over the moon about any of this today. I don’t feel this is a victory.
"I did lose my reputation, which I may try to get back later.
"I've had two trials, one trial by media, and one by crown court."
He had pleaded not guilty on all of the 14 counts, which date back to 1976 and stretch over a 30-year period.
Earlier, Judge Anthony Leonard said he would accept verdicts where at least 10 jurors agreed on each of the charges.
Metropolitan Police investigated Travis as part of Operation Yewtree, the force's investigation into allegations of historic sexual abuse by high-profile figures after details of Jimmy Savile's past crimes emerged.
On Monday, when the jury began deliberations, the judge told the eight women and four men they would have to decide if the evidence they had heard was "made up or fantasy".
The trial heard from 11 women who claimed they had been assaulted by Travis. They included former BBC colleagues, a 15-year-old girl, a hotel receptionist and a British Airways employee.
During the five-week trial Travis had always denied the charges insisting that the woman had made up the attacks just so they "could cash in" and sell their stories.
The 68-year-old was a major radio star in his heyday and became known by the nickname "the hairy cornflake".

Sunday, 9 February 2014

Marius: Petition To Close Down Copenhagen Zoo

"This is one of the most despicable and unnecessary acts of cruelty that I have ever witnessed, made doubly despicable by the fact that this murder of a baby animal was conducted in public while irresponsible parents allowed their children to watch and take photographs. Inhuman people should not be allowed to run zoos and be permitted to put on public displays of abhorrent cruelty. David Bret, biographer."

The Killing Of Marius: Inhuman Spite


They spend a fortune keeping serial killers in jail, as do we, at the tax-payer's expense when a flick of a switch or a length of rope would be a far better option. I'm entitled to opine on this because I knew a serial killer very well: we were close friends for a while, and when he was sentenced to life imprisonment I was amongst the first to sign a petition for him to hang.

They spend a fortune bringing foreigners here that we don't want, who will bring no financial reward to our country but merely add to the already crippling burden of our benefits system. If they're coming here to work or to evade the terrors of war by all means bring them here, otherwise let them stay where they are.
The Immigration Minister resigns because he hasn't practised what he preached. More government scandals are sure to follow.

And now this baby giraffe, Marius. The zoo where he was threatened to "put him down"--a polite way of saying that he would be shot through the head at close range with a steel bolt, cut into pieces where he falls, and fed to the zoo's lions.

A zoo here in England offered to house him--to welcome him into their hearts and give him a safe and comfortable home. Thousands of people signed the petition. There should have been no problem. But those in charge are spiteful, evil bastards--they did what they threatened to do, and he has now been killed and indeed fed to the lions.

I hope these people can sleep on a night. Indeed, I for one would be delighted if whoever signed this gorgeous creature's death-warrant goes to sleep and never wakes up. 

Saturday, 8 February 2014

Lord Smith: Time For Him To Resign

He may have gained the admiration of some for being the first openly gay British MP, but as the head of out Environments Agency this pompous, up-himself, toffee-nosed twit is as useless as a chocolate tea-pot.

He needs to go, and I predict that he will be gone by the end of the month.

I've seen first-hand what the rain and wind and storms can do to our beautiful West Country. Heaven know swhat it must be like living there right now. I would love to have been a fly on the wall in that private meeting yesterday--I bet the air turned blue. Those farmers never mince words, and their livelihood has been threatened while he's been sitting all nice and smug on his oversized aristocratic rump. I would have filled his wellingtons with leeches--it would have been appropriate.

Prince Charles went to the West Country to offer support, as did Cameron. Lord Muck announced the other day that he was "hoping to visit in the next few weeks". Don't exert yourself, love!

As head of his department, Smith has responsibilities which have been sorely lacking. It's always been a case of, "Throw a few scraps to the commoners while I finish eating my pheasant."

 Vile man. 

Advance to Go, and do not collect £200.

Thursday, 6 February 2014

Bill Roache Cleared: Justice Prevails

I am so happy for him. I personally have had enough experience of evil women trying to take me for a ride--though not for the same allegation--in the hope of making themselves look good, and in the hope of making a fast buck for themselves. It never works because, when you lie, you have to be a good liar and persistent, and you need to have the evidence to back up the accusation.

This poor old chap has been put through hell. had it not been for Jimmy Savile--and I'm sure that many of the cases against him were made up, for if he had been that busy interfering with young people, he would never have had time to eat and sleep--none of these cases would ever have gone to court. A close friend of mine is a friend of one actor who was accused of 'abusing' a 16-year old boy. "Dirty sod," they all screamed. "He's old enough to be his father!" The incident happened almost thirty years ago. The 'boy' WAS 16, the actor 17. Hardly what I call a dirty old man. They were in a relationship--the 'boy' was the 'top'. Need I say more? 

There are genuinely dirty old men--Stuart Hall, for one. But the majority of these cases, almost without exception with the 'victims' hoping to make a bob or too, are just silly. Someone squeezed a woman's tit 43 years ago, and she enjoyed having her tit squeezed. I've seen a lot of what goes on behind the scenes with my own eyes, and few of these 'victims' were being taken advantage of. They were more than willing participants. 

I may or may not be naming my own oppressors in my autobiography--which incidentally HAS been completed and is safely lodged, just in case I get a few more messages that I'm going to be set on fire or bumped off in a back alley. Everything has been legally read and sanctioned, so there will be no comeback. No name-calling, just the truth. 

I now feel that whoever has made Bill Roache's life an absolute misery should also be named and shamed--splattered across the front of the tabloids as he has been. 

I also feel that the press should STOP hounding these men for what happened up to 50 years ago, and concentrate on exposing what is happening NOW.

Bill Roache trial: Coronation Street star CLEARED of historic sex offences against teenage girls

The actor was found not guilty of two counts of rape and four counts of indecent assault in the 1960s and 70s

Coronation Street star Bill Roache has been found NOT GUILTY of a string of historic sex offences against young girls following a four week trial.
The actor was cleared by a jury of two counts of rape and four counts of indecent assault.
The 81-year-old, known to millions as Ken Barlow in the ITV soap, had denied all the charges involving five complainants between the mid-1960s and early 1970s, either at Granada Studios in Manchester, in his car or at properties he owned.
He told the juors at Preston Crown Court he had no knowledge of any of the women who said he had assaulted them.
The jury spent 5 hours and 59 minutes deliberating before coming into court to deliver the verdicts at 11.19am.
Roache was asked to stand and the jury foreman confirmed they were all agreed on verdicts on all of the counts.
With his hands by his side, looking at the jury, he made no reaction as he was cleared of all charges.
But the months and weeks of strain overcame his family in the public gallery.
Youngest son James dissolved into tears with a hand over his face, his brother Linus also wiped away tears and Roache's youngest daughter Verity was hugged before she also began to weep.
One of Roache's minders sprung to his feet and shouted "Yes!" and began to clap before the judge told him to be quiet.

William Roache court case
Court sketch: An artist's impression of Roache in the dock

The actor's defence team had said the case against him was "nonsense", and haunted by the "spectre" of Jimmy Savile.
His barrister, Louise Blackwell QC, had asked the jury to consider how it was possible he could have turned from "perfect gentleman" to a sexual predator and back again, and said the accounts of his alleged victims had contained "contradictions and inconsistencies".
The accusers told jurors they were sexually abused by the defendant either at Granada Studios in Manchester, in his car or at properties he owned.
But Roache told the jury he had no knowledge of any of the women and the alleged abuse simply did not happen.
Roache said he was "astounded" and "horrified" at his arrest on suspicion of rape at his home in Wilmslow, Cheshire, on May 1 last year.
ITV announced he would not appear in the programme until legal proceedings were concluded.
The widespread publicity of the arrest led to four other women coming forward to allege they too had been victims in the same era.
Roache was arrested again last June and then charged with five counts of indecent assault.
But the world's longest-serving soap actor - who has appeared in Coronation Street since its 1960 launch - told the jury sexual abuse was not in his "nature" and he had no interest in underage girls.
Criticism of police and prosecutors over Savile's impunity despite years of suspicions of sex abuse meant accusations against other celebrities had to end in a trial, it was suggested.
"In the post Jimmy Savile era, once someone makes an allegation, it's got to go to court, no sense will prevail, it has to go to court," Miss Blackwell said.
Glowing testimonies about Roache's "caring" and "lovely" nature were given in evidence by three of his Coronation Street co-stars including Anne Kirkbride, who plays his on-screen wife Deirdre.
It was not credible the jury were told that the "perfect gentleman" and "father figure" they described had been a "sexual predator".
And the "inconsistencies and contradictions" of each complainant's "story" was picked apart under cross-examination.
During the trial the prosecution offered no evidence on one of two counts of indecent assault, relating to one complainant, as she had "no actual memory of the episode".
The involvement of the press was also highlighted.
The husband of one complainant, whose sister was also allegedly abused, contacted the papers before the police - which "coloured" their allegations, Miss Blackwell said.
After Roache's initial arrest for rape was "all over the press" she asked the jury whether any of the other women who came forward later could be regarded as "truly independent."

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

Philip Seymour Hoffman: Others Need Our Pity, Not Him

I have absolutely no pity for this man. He may have been a great actor, but wealth and fame were not enough, so he set a bad example and he paid for his folly with his life. His death leaves me completely cold. What makes me sad--what makes me cry if I am to be honest--is when I switch on the news and see all those lovely young people getting killed in wars instigated by politicians too cowardly to fight in them themselves. These young, tremendously brave people who have given their lives are the ones we should be honouring. Yet how many of these unsung heroes do we see plastered across the front of the papers? Not many. If 10,000 troops perished in a single day, wherever, and on that same day Cheryl Cole fell down and broke her leg, which one would the headline be?
I do pity his family, the children he has left behind--but he cannot have been too concerned with their welfare, otherwise he would not have behaved with such crass stupidity.

Doris Day: First In Bret Back-Catalogue

This week sees the first release of my back catalogue: Doris Day, who depending on which source one heeds, turns 90 or even 92 in a couple of months time.

I anticipate the usual "Wet Hen"--the screaming loopity-loop who leaves little messages like seagulls with the squits, urging people, "Don't buy this one--buy the other one!"

Legitimate authors NEVER do this, of course. Doris Day UK and a very good biography by a very good US writer not only came out in the same month, by some strange quirk of fate they ended up having the same cover. Neither of us complained--we left that to the fruit-loops, and both books hit the six-figure mark because normal, rational, authentic authors do not attack each other, for whatever reason. 

Most importantly, Doris Day herself liked BOTH books!

My loves, the customer is ALWAYS right! He or she buys exactly what they want, from where they want, and for how much they want. They don't need some ninkampoop ORDERING them what to buy just because THEY might not like what their so-called rival has written. When someone is told not to do a thing, in my experience they do the exact opposite. As is happening now. The customer and fan is never wrong, neither are sales figures. And for the critic who said recently that they would rather see a "good" book selling no copies than a "bad" book selling thousands--Sir, you are talking out of your posterior! Who in their right mind wants to write and publish a book that no-one wants to read or buy?

Normal customers, in tradition with normal writers, always welcome differences of opinion. The only person who knows/knew the star in question is/was the star. We all make mistakes. Fans have never seen me publicly criticise another author in the media, on radio or television, and certainly not within the book itself. This represents the unsavoury stench of amateurism. Fans never will. Neither will they see my boasting about my "wonderful work and wonderful life". Self-praise without exception leads to abject failure, and there are no exceptions. I leave it to the fans to decide whether I am good or not, as an author or as a person. When one author publicly condemns another author for his writing style and personal life, that author only reveals their ignorance, insecurity, and of course their lack of genuine talent and authenticity because desperation has caused them to attempt, but fail, to draw attention to themselves at the expense of someone else.

So, for the sake of Doris Day and the dozen others in this back-catalogue, Mr/Mrs/Ms Detractor, please keep up the good work. Continue with your sterling, daily but tiresome efforts to me look good, and yourself look like a twat!

Sunday, 2 February 2014

Our Schools Are Too Soft

Today we have some barking mad woman--one who has never had children, or never had to wait at a bus-stop where there's a bunch of hooligans who have smashed all the glass in it, and who insult all and sundry before going off to throw bricks at cars--telling us that we're too hard in our schools, and that giving children lines and detentions is cruel.
Get a grip, you batty old bugger, and smell the coffee!
Myself, MP William Haigh and a number of others attended Wath Grammar School at a time when discipline meant something, and when we respected our elders because of it.
When I was seven I told my uncle to "Fuck off!" He marched me to the policeman who always stood outside the pub, and I got a clip about the ear. I never made the same mistake again.
At school, Derek Kirby--the Scripture master--had eyes in the back of his head. Chatter, and he would flick a piece of chalk and always get you smack between the eyes. If Derek was in a really bad mood, he used the blackboard rubber.
Miss Clegg, the headmistress, had a four-foot bendy cane. One lad got six of the best, boasted that it hadn't hurt--so she sent him to the headmaster, who gave him twelve of the best with a non-bendy cane.
Philip Staines, the PE master--he's the one we watched on the school trip to Spain, through a key-hole, giving the PE mistress a right royal seeing to--preferred a running-shoe to the rump, though not a spiked one.
I had three detentions for not handing in my homework on time. During the first, OB (Old Bastard, my father) marched in and took me home--telling the teacher to hit me, give me any amount of homework, but that Saturdays were there for me to work for HIM. The next day I got the ruler, side-edge over the knuckles.
I cheated on the cross-country run. It was sub-zero, two feet of snow, and we had to pass our farm. My mother was at the gate and asked us all in for tea and scones. I got the lot for this! Eddie Fisher, the games master, made five of us bare our bottoms in front of the whole class. We got the "wet pump", then we had to run around the quadrangle, in the snow, barefoot and bare-chested. It didn't do us any lasting harm, and learned us not to cheat again.
And did I bear any grudges against these teachers? No, sir! I even went out on a date with one of them, two years after leaving school!
So long as they keep sparing the rod, this country--and others--will get worse with each new generation.