Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Kelly Clarkson: Just Where Do They Get These Singers From?

In the past we've had Florence Foster Jenkins and Mrs Miller, howlers who nevertheless had undeniable talent and the ability of never taking themselves seriously--the latter's sketches with Jimmy Durante are ace!
Now, there's another breed--catawaulers who believe in their own legend because they're persistently told how great they are by television presenters who probably cringe as much as I do to hear them singing tunelessly and incoherently!
Of late, I thought the worst I'd heard was Olly Murs, who looks like a dippy comic from a silent Belgian movie and sounds like someone honking up their mussels in a Bruxelles backstreet. And talking of Belgians, there's Brigitte BlĂ©, whose screeching of the French classics would put the Swiss Digitas clinics out of business if poorly people went to see her instead of buying a one-way ticket. I could think of one or two people I'd like to send to Liege the next time she announces she's going to be murdering 'L'aigle noir'.

Yesterday I wrote about the sublime Kathryn Jenkins, and I suppose I'm a little spoilt having been brought up on a diet of Piaf, Callas, Brel and Wunderlich.
But Kelly Clarkson, promoted as 'World Idol'--where did that one come from? I just listened to her on breakfast television. She talks loudly like she's catching a train which keeps on running--100-word sentences, and if you remove all the 'like-sort of-kind of, you-know, yeah' from her conversation, their reduced to three words and you still can't understand what's she's on about! Worse still is her singing--this one even makes Alicia Keys sound like Joan Sutherland!
Does anybody write songs nowadays where 'alright' doesn't rhyme with 'night'--tuneless ditties which my dogs could better compose? And what sort of mindless person goes out and buys this stuff? Really makes you wonder!

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